How do you get a 4 year old to stop throwing temper tantrums in public?
October 27th, 2008 by adminI have a foster son who only when we go out throws temper tantrums to get his way. I dont give him wha he wants and it gets worse. I still dont give in even is he screems but it is imbarasing to have a 4 year old kicking and screeming in the store. Any suggestions on how to handle this I would appreciate it.
To make it clear I dont give in I do ignore him and things are not getting any better. He is a foster child so I did not start it by giving in he learned it from his bio parents.
Kids do that because they now parents would do anything so they won't be embarrassed in public . You have to tell her nothing she does in public will get her what ever she wants , and when she does that in public don't show her that you are so upset and that you want her to stop just set down and wait for her to finish .Believe me after three times of doing that she won't do it again
Category: temper : 
October 27th, 2008 at 8:36 pm
*SMACK*
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October 27th, 2008 at 9:24 pm
ignore them, they soon get bored and stop!
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October 27th, 2008 at 9:38 pm
giv them candy
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October 27th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
SPANK HIS A$$. That's what you do. No body likes to be embarrassed.
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October 27th, 2008 at 10:39 pm
supernanny
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October 27th, 2008 at 11:16 pm
Hitting a child does not help do anything except instill fear.
http://www.parentingweb.com/discipline/pw_disc.htm
http://www.saferchild.org/tipsfor4.htm
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October 27th, 2008 at 11:32 pm
Damage is already done. The first time you give in sets the scene. He now knows that you will give in. It will not stop until you do not give in EVER. You have made a rod for your own back. It will take three times as long not giving in to undo the giving in until he learns that tantrums = no treats.
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October 27th, 2008 at 11:57 pm
Ignore him until he stops, then praise him for behaving correctly. This is called extinction in behavioral science terms. Order the book "The Power of Positive Parenting" and it will tell you how.
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http://www.overstock.com/cgi-bin/d2.cgi?PAGE=PRODUCT&PROD_ID=146472&cid=64664&fp=F
October 28th, 2008 at 12:23 am
Practice at home, make him see that he has a choice, and try bribing him. It'll be frustrating, but really it's just his age. Keep it up, on not giving in, and they'll grow out of it. And remember, most people dont usually mind all too much seeing a child throwing a fit, cause if they have a kid then they understand pretty well. If they smile at you that's usually a sign, they're not laughing at you they just get what your going through.
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October 28th, 2008 at 1:09 am
Kids do that because they now parents would do anything so they won't be embarrassed in public . You have to tell her nothing she does in public will get her what ever she wants , and when she does that in public don't show her that you are so upset and that you want her to stop just set down and wait for her to finish .Believe me after three times of doing that she won't do it again
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October 28th, 2008 at 1:31 am
well he was a foster child. his mom or dad gave him away and that is how he probably handles stuff. he doesn't want too loose anyone elese in his life. so when he throws his tantrums he wants attention b/c he probably didn't get much with his parents. he probably feels rejected or unwanted.
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October 28th, 2008 at 2:04 am
Somehow, videotape him. Show him how much he looks like a baby when he does this. Let him know before hand that if he acts like a baby, you'll treat him like a baby. No, don't put him in diapers, but take away "big boy" treats, like popsicles, tv, games and other things. Let him know that babies don't get them, and since he acts like a baby, you need to make sure that he doesn't get too many big boy treats.
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October 28th, 2008 at 2:38 am
remove him from the situation immediately!
never give in to what he wants.
EVER.
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October 28th, 2008 at 3:18 am
I found a great website that talks about what to do with tantrums at home and in public places. It also teaches acceptable behavior in lieu of the tantrums. It takes persistence to overcome his anger and acting out. Do NOT spank - it only makes it worse.
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http://www.heptune.com/tantrum.html
October 28th, 2008 at 3:23 am
My 2 year old started this a while back. I started off by just immediatly leaning the store and he got nothing. But….as you can imagine, I didn't get a lot of shopping done. So, I figured out that he LOVES to ride the little superman ride outside of Wal Mart. So, I started doing most of my shopping there and if he was good in the store I would let him ride it on our way out. If he wasn't, I didn't let him ride, even if he was kicking and screaming. I stuck to my guns! So, now, we have pretty peaceful outings. If we are going somewhere that doesn't have the little ride on toys, I find another reward, but I try not to make the reward toys. It may be something like going for a wald to the pond, of baking cookies or going swimming with him. Good luck, they can be tough!
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October 28th, 2008 at 3:42 am
Thats tough because he is a foster child. My son did that to me twice. First time, grab him by his arm and spanked him right there infront of everyone. Told him that its not acceptable behaviour and I will not have it. Shocked as he was, he didn't do that for a while. Then he tested me again and I did the same thing. I have no time to "reason with a child", or take him to the car, or threaten to take him home. I have limited time and he does not dictate to me how things are. My son is 9 now and I haven't spanked him in years. He was voted to be one of the nicest and the most polite kid in his school. I am very proud of him and now he is soooo easy.
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October 28th, 2008 at 4:07 am
You're right not to give in to him. Leave the store immediately, especially if there was something he wanted there. Do not show anger over this, just tell him, "Because this is not how we behave, we are leaving. This means that you will not get to pick out your treat (or whatever reinforcement you choose)." Even if he stops crying, you still need to leave. Make it clear that no tantrums will be tolerated.
When you are home and he is calm, ask him why he had the temper tantrum. Teach him to talk to you instead of screaming when he wants something. Treat him and his requests with respect, even if you are saying no.
Be consistent. It will take time (possibly a LOT of time). Tell him ahead of time what is expected of him and why it is expected, tell him the consequences of misbehaving, and stick to it. He will figure out that throwing a tantrum won't work, but it will take time, consistency, and an even temper on your part. To him, you getting angry is reinforcement to continue having the tantrums.
GOOD LUCK!!!! Tantrums are no fun.
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Am a child development specialist.
October 28th, 2008 at 4:16 am
Seriously, you need to make sure that there is not an underlying behavioral or developmental issue. You need to discuss this with the child's doctor. The child may need to be evaluated for ADHD, OCD, or even "high functioning" Autism.
Also, was the child removed from an abusive situation?
You could be the best parent in the world, but if the child has a condition that is not addressed your efforts can seem fruitless.
Try: http://www.ADHDSupportCompany.com
P.S. I feel your Pain!!!!!
~Good Luck & Take Care~
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October 28th, 2008 at 4:48 am
Graeme H has the right answer. The tantrums will go on because the child knows he will get what he wants eventually. You must not give in. It takes a long time for the penny to drop that he will never get what he wants. Trouble is, it is very hard to be patient when you are being publicly embarrassed. Keep your head down and don't make eye contact with tutting/vocal members of the public. Don't talk to, or touch, the child during the tantrum, just look bored. Don't engage in any argument/discussion.
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October 28th, 2008 at 4:53 am
I agree with the first answer….smack. Take him outside and tan that @$$. There is a difference between spanking and abusing. Think of it like this….if you can't control him when he is 4, then how will you control him when he's 16? Remember, you're the boss. Best of luck to you……..
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October 28th, 2008 at 4:58 am
My pediatrician suggested something we call "trouble water" You take either a cup or a spray bottle of water, and when the child throws a fit, you throw the water on him, or you spray him in the face. Then you tell him this is unacceptable behavior, and give him some time alone in his room. You have to do this consistently every time he throws a fit. You always use the same cup or spray bottle, and then when you go in public, you carry it in your purse or diaper bag. When he winds up for a fit, you warn him that if he does it he will get trouble water. If he does throw the fit, then you take him immediately to the restroom and punish him with the water, all the other people will notice is that his face and hair are damp when he comes back! I asked the doc if she had a suggestion for tantrums besides spanking, and she said this is what she does for her own kids! Hope this helps, I've been there and know how you feel, although mine is a girl. By the way, she is six now, and we haven't had a fit in over 2 years, so just be patient and consistent, it will eventually help!
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October 28th, 2008 at 5:45 am
The "Supernanny" is an excellent resource!! I LOVE HER!!! But my suggestion would be to just leave the store. As hard as it is because if you're anything like me, you never have anytime to get to the store, but if he starts acting up, just leave your stuff at the check out and take him out to the car. The first time, you may have to totally leave the parking lot and go home, but after a few times of being brought out to the car, they get the hint. BUT NEVER GIVE IN AND GIVE THEM WHAT THEY ARE ACTING UP FOR!!! No matter how embarrassing it is for you… he will know that acting out will work. And here's a thought… talk to him A LOT while you are shopping… get his mind off of the things he sees and then wants. Maybe without realizing it, when you are shopping, you are concentrating more on what you are getting and he is feeling like if he acts out, he gets you attention. Just a thought. GOOD LUCK!!!
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October 28th, 2008 at 6:03 am
If you tolerate bad behavior, then you are condoning it. Both giving into it, and ignoring it, are both ways of tolerating it. Behaviors should have consequences: good behavior should be acknowledged, bad behavior punished. Punishment is usually determined hit or miss to see what works best. For instance, if little Timmy is acting up at the store, assure him that for every minute he does so will be one less (night of TV, dessert, toy, whatever AFFECTS him most) that he will get. Then time him. You MUST follow through, or it will mean nothing. Behavior modification takes TIME, EFFORT, and CONSISTENCY…or it does not work. Children NEED boundries, or they become inconsiderate uncaring adults. Also, look at what else you have in the shopping cart. Anything else in there he likes? If so, take it and put it back. DO NOT BARGAIN. Just put it back. That will be an IMMEDIATE price paid for bad behavior. The more he acts up, the more you do this. If he does not stop, then LEAVE the store. Yes, it ruins the shopping trip, but until you have your relationship under control, you will need to adjust your schedule accordingly. It will take time, but not as long as you think…IF you stay consistent.
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October 28th, 2008 at 6:20 am
smack him
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October 28th, 2008 at 6:58 am
It depends. First make sure you NEVER give in. If you do give in sometimes (or if others in his life give in under similar conditions), it actually worse than giving in every time. Intermittent reinforcement is incredibly strong, as seen in the strong pull of gambling. The fact that he tantrums to get his way and that the problem escalates when you say no indicates that, at least sometimes, and with someone, this behavior is "working" for him. You need to make sure it never works, no matter what the situation or whom he is with. Also make sure you are not reinforcing the tantrums with attention. Maybe the problem behavior isn't getting your son what he wants, but it is getting him something if it results in a lot of eye contact, talking, and other attention or any "alternative" reinforcer he might be redirected to. When he starts tantrumming to get something, say "no" and move on. No lengthy explanations (which may be seen by the child as "negotiations"), no hovering next to the item the child wants (move on…out of sight, out of mind), no hugs or kisses. Don't get angry or change your facial expression or tone of voice. Be "all business", but not mean.
Second, does he WANT to be in the store? If yes, when he tantrums, it's time to go home–immediately, and every time he does this. If he doesn't want to be there, make sure you don't leave before you had planned to do so because if his inappropriate behavior, as this could reinforce the tantrums.
Third, don't worry about what others think when your son acts this way. No parent is exempt from dealing with this at one time or another, and although the noise might grab others' attention, they will almost certainly understand and emphathize. And if they do get upset or angry, it's okay. You wouldn't be friends with someone who reacts to a child like that anyway, so why even give a second thought to what such persons think?
Schedule trips to public places for the purpose of practicing good behavior in public so that you aren't trying to get things you need while trying to deal with this problem. Take an extra set of hands with you if needed.
Best wishes!
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See Aubrey Daniels' book "Bringing out the Best in People", Ray Miltenberger's "Behavior Modification", Sal Severe's "How to Behave so Your Children will too", Wesley Becker's "Parents are Teachers", Glen Latham's "The Power of Positive Parenting", and Karen Pryor's "Don't Shoot the Dog". See also http://www.parentrx.com.
October 28th, 2008 at 7:03 am
Been There. Done That! - —- — — —
When my son, who is now almost 13, was a toddler, he tried my patience a few times at the grocery store. One time, he wanted something & I said no, so he threw an absolute hissy.
I laid on the floor beside him in the grocery store and therw the exact same tantrum he was throwing. He stopped to look at me - saw everyone else looking at me - and never did it again! (Although temporarily - it was more embarrasing than him actually throwing his fit - long term, it made my life so much easier.)
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October 28th, 2008 at 7:19 am
I had the same problem with my kiddo whe she was 4-5. Talk to your foster son and let him know what the plan is. If he is 4 then have him serve 4 minute in time out…at home and when out and about. Don't talk to him and don't look at him and make it in a quite non fun place like a corner or the hall. You don't want him to having fun. If he leaves add a minute on and put him back. At home use a timer so he knows when this time is up. If we were in public I found a semi-private area and made my daughter serve her time. She screamed and yelled and others watched but they understood and it's better that beating your child. Be CONSISTANT…that's the key. You should only use time out for a few key issues until he learns to control himself. Then you can take on others issues. I work with people who are Mentally Retarded and with Mental Health issues. It works with everyone. Don't forget to reward with positive reinforcement. Tell him he's doing great when you catch him in a positive position. It will be hard at first but eventually it will work. Be strong. The time out will be good for the both of you. Gives you time to cool off. It will sometimes feel like you are punishing yourself too but again be consistant. GOOD LUCK. SOS for Parents is a great book that help me and reinforced what I already knew.
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October 28th, 2008 at 7:29 am
My son did this ONCE and has never and will never do it again. I completly ignored him and actually LAUGHED at him. I was not embarressed it was him who was looking like the fool not me. I had a friend with me who couldn't beleive I wasn't giving in to him, when normally you would think I would since he is my first born and only boy! But hell no1 Your not going to act like a total brat and get something as a reward! When your foster child can learn to behave then you reward him for that BUT not by buying him something, maybe by saying, Since you did so well today when we went to the store I am going to take you to the park and we are going to have a picnic and fly a kite. Nothing that costs money should ever be used as a reward, I have learned that from many nanies and shows about raising your kids. The reason why is because you never know if your going to have the MONEY and if you don't and they have done something to be rewarded for what are you going to do? They EXPECT what they have always gotten. I know its hard since he is only a foster and has had so much negativity in his life already because of god knows what has happened to the poor thing, but your in his life now and you need ot get something good started in this poor things life. Positive behavior is rewarded. negative is ignored and punished by quiet time (no toys no entertainment) and whatever other things you can think of to punish him that does not involve physical or mental abuse. ALSO, before you even walk out the door with him to go to the store, kneel down to his eye level, and have him look in your eyes. Tell him what a jewel he is and how lucky you are to be able to have him in your home. Then tell him that your going to the store to pick up a few things and you would be so proud of him if he could act like the BIG boy you know he is…and if he does he will get to go to the park and have a picnic and then fly a kite, just you and him (or whatever the boy may like to do, but make it so its just you and him…special bonding time for you and him, IF you are the one who takes him tot he store the majority of the time). Tell him that stuff and then tel him if he misbehaves at the store then he will be punished and he will be put in time out when he gets home and no more *insert something he likes to do* until the next day. (not quiet time till the next day but the object or whatever he likes to do). Do this EVERY time before you take him to the store and evetually, hopefully sooner rather than later) it will sink in and he will eventually get it, but you have to be sure that when he deserves a reward you reward him. It may seem inconvientiant BUT its how he will WANT to behave for YOU when you take him out. ALSO if anyone els eint he family takes him out and he misbhaves liek that with them, have them take the same steps as you BUT you have to stay out of it. Let them handle it and have themn let you handle it when he goes with you…..
I hope this all makes sense lol sorry I rambled, but its what I have done and seen done by friends and I have never seen it fail. Good luck to you and the sweet angel in your home!
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Mother of 6! 15, 9, 6, 4 and two 3 year olds!
October 28th, 2008 at 7:57 am
Yep- the mom w/ 6 kids has it down pat. My approach was very similar. When my daughter started getting out of line I would start singing & dancing-LOUDLY. Worked like a charm!
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October 28th, 2008 at 8:14 am
I have a 4 year old boy that likes to do the same thing. Usually when he starts wherever I am I leave if I'm shopping I leave everything and take him home, if were at dinner i take him to the car, he usually gets spanked and we stay there till he calms down.The next time he wants to go, if possible he had to stay at home. It's been really hard, but his tantrums are no longer an issue. He learned the it wasn't acceptable and he wasn't going anywhere when he acted like that. Good luck and hang in there!!
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October 28th, 2008 at 8:50 am
When my daughter first started throwing fits while we were in public i would get so embarrassed and she knew it,so she would get louder and louder. Well, one day while at the store she wanted some candy and i told her no. She get mad and starts to kick,and scream and cause a big scene so I started to kick and scream the same way she was doing. I threw myself a big fit with her. She noticed that I wasn't embarrassed anymore. In fact she was the embarrassed one. She looked at me like I had lost my mind. So every time she threw a fit I would throw one to, eventually she stoped cause she knew it was pointless.
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October 28th, 2008 at 9:25 am
i would find a baby sitter when you need to do some shopping at least until he gets a bit older & understands a few things or just let him throw his fits. another thing put him down for a nap before going shopping that could cause him to become cranky.
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