6 Sure Fire Ways to Find Out if He is the Man for you

How many times have you said, “Finally I have found my soul mate”, only to realise later that a big mistake has been made and you are desperate to undo it. If you are lucky, you can extricate yourself with just a bruising of the ego, some deep but thankfully temporary heartache and a lot more cynicism coloring your views on romance. Yet there are millions of people all over the world who are blissfully in love, even after years of togetherness and despite problems both large and small. Surely it can’t all be due to luck. So how do they do it? The answer seems obvious - if you want to be in a lasting relationship with a man who will be your best friend, your succour in times of trouble, someone who will accept you as you are and who will help you achieve your full potential, then you must choose the man who has the qualities that you are looking for.

Too often, a woman rushes into romance and realizes too late that love has blinded her to traits in the man that she would normally avoid. It is important to analyze the reason you feel ready to settle down as this will color your actions and if the motivation is wrong, it can make you vulnerable and prone to making the wrong choice. Once you have clarified your motives in your mind, it is time to make a checklist of what to look out for in the man of your dreams.

1) Expression of Temper - The key word here is not temper but how it is expressed. Anger is not a bad thing per se; for example, it can motivate one to change things for the better. But if the man in your life has trouble expressing his anger in an appropriate manner, then you have to watch out. Passive anger is manifested either by giving you the cold shoulder treatment, by belittling you or making sniping remarks about you in front of others especially when you can’t or don’t want to retaliate, being sarcastic and passing it off as a joke if you ask him what he meant by the remark, withholding praise or congratulations when you deserve it - in short, trying to undermine your confidence without raising his voice or hand. Men who express their temper in an aggressive manner are harder to predict. There are some who start by throwing a plate or two and wind up beating their wife or girlfriend on a regular basis. There are others who get into arguments or fights, punch the wall, kick the table but would never think of doing the same to a woman. Some men are fine till they have the first drink past their tolerance level, then the brooding begins, accusations flow and before you know it, he’s abusing you, either verbally, physically or both. It is one thing to have a screaming row (not recommended, but one must be realistic!), it is a totally different matter if it escalates to violence.

2) Relationship with Mother and Sisters - A boy’s first contact with the female sex is usually with the women in his family, notably his mother and sisters. The quality of this relationship almost always marks his conduct towards women later in life. The ideal relationship of a manwith his mother and sisters would be a close, loving one yet independent of them. If he is either cold and distant or emotionally needy and dependent on them, you can be sure that that is how he will be with you. All his unresolved issues will be transferred from them to you. So it is definitely worth checking out his family and how he interacts with them.

3) Reactions of Your Friends - A lot of women decide to choose their new boyfriend over their long time friends, if it turns out that they don’t like him and feel that she is making a mistake. For the most part, your close friends want only what is best for you. They know you well and they can be a lot more objective than you. So instead of feeling insulted or getting angry, allow them to have their say. Listen intently and take their views seriously - after all, this is what friends do, look out for each other. Weigh the pros and cons of alienating those on whose support you have relied in the past and might have need of in the future. If they have strong enough qualms about your relationship that they are willing to risk their friendship to tell you about how they feel, perhaps you should take heed of their advice.

4) Rigidity and Control - Do you find that although he seems to listen to your suggestions on matters important to both of you, most things get done the way your boyfriend /partner wants? So much so that after a time, you stop offering your input and just go along with whatever he decides. The reaction to your standing firm is so negative that you feel it is not worth fighting for. Do you find that you seem to spend less and less time with your family and friends and that your social circle seems to be getting smaller and smaller? When you both first decided to be a couple, it was flattering to have him want you all for himself. But time goes by and what seemed romantic then, now feels stifling. When you suggest that it might be a good idea to spend time with others, does he get upset, annoyed, accusatory or suspicious? Does he want to know your whereabouts or constantly call you? These are the acts of a man both possessive and insecure, who needs to always control you. Ask yourself if this is how you want to live your life.

5) Taking Responsibility - A mature individual has no problem admitting to his/her mistakes. When you find that your man is constantly making excuses, refusing to take responsibility for his actions or blaming others for his lack of success, you can be pretty sure that soon he will be laying all his failures at your feet. In a relationship of any duration, there are bound to be times when one does something that the other doesn’t like or is hurt by. If sincere apologies are tendered and accepted, the rift is healed and the bond can get even stronger. However, if the apology is self serving or forgiveness is withheld, it shows a lack of generosity of spirit that does not bode well for the relationship.

6) Your Gut Instinct - A well adjusted and confident woman can easily spot a man who does not seem to fit his public persona. Her gut instinct would tell her to avoid him and she should follow her instinct. Never be under the illusion that he is misunderstood or that he can be changed by the love of a strong and caring woman - namely you. No one can make another person change; that has to be a voluntary decision. If at anytime you feel that the relationship is not turning out the way you hoped it would, then you should think hard and decide whether you would be better off if you left now before you commit yourself further.

In the end, it really is not very complicated if you keep in mind that for a relationship to develop into a loving one, there has to be a concerted effort on both sides to bring out the best in each other, to respect and cherish each other’s individuality and most importantly to give each other the space to grow. Ask yourself this, “I love him, but do I really like him”? I think Ella Wheeler Wilcox says it best - ” All love that has not friendship for its base, is like a mansion built upon the sand.”

Naresh Belliyappa
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