How do I learn to control my temper?
March 12th, 2009 by adminI hate how I easily get angry and ticked off, I hate how it makes people hate me! I hate how I easily make enemies because of this problem, but most of all I hate how I cannot be close to my mother because we both have this problem. Before I fix my mother's problem I have to fix mine, I don't have drinking problems, I do not do drugs, I'm only 17 years old. I get really mad to the point it really gives me a very painful headache that makes me cry… I really need help… 
You may or may not have a medical problem at the root of your feelings and outward behavior. You can make adjustments to your feelings and the way you react to others. You may think that someones opinion is wrong, you may think your opinions are right. Get used to the fact that most people have opinions and want to think they are right. The next time you feel angry at someone or at some occurrence, remember what they say and just acknowledge them by saying something like "I see" or "that's interesting" and let it pass. If they persist with the issue that's stirring you up, you can go for a walk and separate yourself from a potential outburst or conflict. As you walk or have time to reflect on what was said to anger you, think about if the subject has any real weight in your life and is it in your control? Chances are it hasn't and you don't. We have little control over what others say and do. Pick your battles carefully- walk away from most fights and save your emotional energy for better things and issues which are really important in the big picture. You are in charge of you emotions and feelings- nobody can "make you feel" anything, you either let yourself feel it, ignore it or change the way you react to things that happen and are said. My mother was a very negative person, and would search for arguments with everyone. I learned eventually to let her think she was always right in her opinions- if she got the facts wrong and I could find real evidence to the contrary then I might correct her, but I learned to let go. There is a Zen principle to help you stay calm and can diminish stress and conflict in your life-
That is "To Win by Losing" (lose the battles that really aren't important)
Be patient with the idiots and egotistical jerks in your life, or create some distance if you can. 2 of the greatest tools to ward off jerks are #1. to ignore them & #2. Just smile and say nothing! good luck, I hope this was helpful! 
Category: temper control : 
March 12th, 2009 at 10:44 pm
haha
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March 12th, 2009 at 11:11 pm
Try to avoid coffee and cigarettes. Also if you can, join a group therapy, it really helps. Sometimes, counting to 10 will make you calm down before taking any action. Good luck!
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March 12th, 2009 at 11:22 pm
If it's any help, my temper was very bad in my teens but I grew out of most of it. You probably will too. The important thing is you recognize there is a problem. I didn't when I was your age. It took maturity and many bad experiences to look back and realize I had a problem.
Try to "see" the anger or thoughts as a cloud that is floating by in your head. Recognize it as the trigger and then take other actions to counter it. Some people count to ten in their head and take a deep breath. Others tell themselves stuff like "Will what I'm getting mad about matter in a few weeks, let alone a few years."
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March 13th, 2009 at 12:08 am
The best thing to do when you feel like you are getting angry is to count in your head to 10, or remove yourself from the situation. You have hormones raging and it is causing these anger issues. Remember this is not going to work instantly, and it will take some time. Just practice those techniques and you will find that the anger will subside.
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March 13th, 2009 at 12:30 am
When you're angry, try pausing and thinking BEFORE you speak/act/react. Try speaking without raising your voice. People tend to give what they get. Getting feedback that's not so negative from others will help you deal with yourself better.
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March 13th, 2009 at 12:51 am
you just need coping skills. you may also have an anxiety disorder. I know before I started taking medication, my temper was HORRIBLE. especially since your mother does it too, it could be genetic as well as a learned behavior.
there are 3 steps to reacting to a situation
1) event happens
2) your brain intakes the situation and uses logic to figure out the best way to react
3) you react
you are completely skipping over step #2. before you get mad, stop and think "will this reaction help the situation". you can also try thinking of your favorite place in the world, and let your mind go there. instead of yelling and/or throwing sh*t, walk out of the room without saying a word.
and if you practice these coping skills and you're still feeling it, see your doctor. you may have a chemical imbalance
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diagnosed with anxiety disorder for 10 years and been through and graduated anger management
March 13th, 2009 at 12:56 am
Don't hate me for this, but I have done this to help my anger issues and they have subsided since. I went to a psychologist and a psychiatrist to see why and what gets me to that point of anger. After learning loads from them, I use personal psychotherapy and take a medication to help me. I got sick of going to jail for fighting. Since my visits and diagnosis, I haven't been to jail (knock on wood)- lol, but true.
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March 13th, 2009 at 1:31 am
You need to go to therapy to deal with all that hate! My other advice is remove yourself from the situation when you feel the anger coming on. That works the best for me. The counting to 10 thing doesn't work for me because I tend to dwell on things and over think them in my head, so I need more time than that to calm down. That's why parents tell you "go to your room", it helps to sit by yourself for a while when things are getting out of control. Separate yourself from your mom for as long as you need and don't go back until you have more control of your attitude.
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March 13th, 2009 at 1:40 am
You may or may not have a medical problem at the root of your feelings and outward behavior. You can make adjustments to your feelings and the way you react to others. You may think that someones opinion is wrong, you may think your opinions are right. Get used to the fact that most people have opinions and want to think they are right. The next time you feel angry at someone or at some occurrence, remember what they say and just acknowledge them by saying something like "I see" or "that's interesting" and let it pass. If they persist with the issue that's stirring you up, you can go for a walk and separate yourself from a potential outburst or conflict. As you walk or have time to reflect on what was said to anger you, think about if the subject has any real weight in your life and is it in your control? Chances are it hasn't and you don't. We have little control over what others say and do. Pick your battles carefully- walk away from most fights and save your emotional energy for better things and issues which are really important in the big picture. You are in charge of you emotions and feelings- nobody can "make you feel" anything, you either let yourself feel it, ignore it or change the way you react to things that happen and are said. My mother was a very negative person, and would search for arguments with everyone. I learned eventually to let her think she was always right in her opinions- if she got the facts wrong and I could find real evidence to the contrary then I might correct her, but I learned to let go. There is a Zen principle to help you stay calm and can diminish stress and conflict in your life-
That is "To Win by Losing" (lose the battles that really aren't important)
Be patient with the idiots and egotistical jerks in your life, or create some distance if you can. 2 of the greatest tools to ward off jerks are #1. to ignore them & #2. Just smile and say nothing! good luck, I hope this was helpful!
References :
life, friends, books
March 13th, 2009 at 2:26 am
I had anger problems for a very long time. So often I would just 'lose it'! I was abusive, aggressive, destructive, I would yell abuse & scream, hit people, smash things, punch walls, became addicted to marijuana & Valium to relax me, my anger was ruining my life! I have been through 4 Anger Management classes & still I was angry. Until I learnt about CBT-Cognitive Behaviour Therapy & ACT-Acceptance & Commitment Therapy. A combination of both these therapies is DBT-Dialectical Behavioural Therapy. There is so much to learn about anger, about yourself, others, your triggers, your behavioural responses etc. Most people will say 'others make me angry'. This is simply not true, others cannot make you feel anything, you feel angry by the way you interpret the situation, you 'feel' due to the thoughts you create in response to what others do or say. What you need to learn to do is to STOP & THINK BEFORE YOU REACT, there's a lot of sense in why people say take a few deep breaths & count to 10. It's not the feeling of anger that gets us into trouble, it's how we choose to behave in response to the anger feelings. REBT, Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy has a technique called the ABC's. A = the Activating event, what happens initially to provoke a response in us. B = Beliefs, the thoughts we have in response to the event. C = Consequences, the emotions & behaviour that results. D = Dispute, challenge the negative thoughts you are thinking about the situation. E = Effective new beliefs & effectively tolerating your discomfort. You will never be able to control what others do & say to you, you can only control how you choose to behave in response to their actions. You need to let others know when they're actions are affecting you-but you need to do this respectfully by being assertive-telling others how you feel whilst respecting their feelings too, you're more likely to be listened to & respected if you're calm & more likely to get a better response. Start the conversation with "I feel angry because you….(then describe the behaviour that is affecting you) that way you are taking responsibility for how you feel rather than blaming or accusing others. Conflict Resolution skills are also good to learn-techniques for resolving arguments. You need to deal with each situation as it arises-don't let your frustrations & anger build up, only to explode at the wrong person, at the wrong time. Through therapy I learnt that even though I may be feeling angry I can still control the way I respond to that feeling & choose to behave in a way that is respectful to others & not going to cause me or others harm or get myself into trouble. If you find that your anger is a serious problem & does affect your life, then I highly recommend you see a counsellor who will be able to help you understand where your anger is coming from, what triggers you have & how to process the feelings & respond appropriately. Find out through your local community or mental health centre where you can attend an Anger Management Class, learning about self-esteem, confidence & assertiveness can also be very helpful. Doing something physical can help get rid of built up emotions & tensions, I punch a punching bag if I'm really angry or getting the whipper snipper & lawn mower out helps, even a very brisk walk will help, anything that exerts energy & gets the heart pumping. Learning how to relax properly is also just as important. Also anger is a secondary emotion. Before you get angry another feeling is there first to create the anger, you need to think about why you're feeling angry & learn to identify the cause first. For example a person I considered a friend accused me of something I didn't do, I'm angry with her, but why? because I felt hurt that she didn't trust me. My son lied to me, I felt angry, why? because I felt disappointment as I've always been honest with him. My partner got very drunk at my work function, I'm angry at him, why? because I felt embarrassed & humiliated in front of my boss & colleagues. If you learn to identify & deal with the underlying feeling first it usually doesn't turn into full-blown anger. Definitely doing something physical is the best way to relieve the physical feelings, followed by doing nice relaxing things to pamper yourself to help you feel better too, such as a long soak in a fragrant bath or listening to some soothing relaxation music by candlelight. I highly recommend you go to a counsellor if your anger starts to interfere with your life. But if you want to simply learn more-read books on it. The best book I've ever read on anger is (using a very new type of therapy) 'ACT on life not on anger-the new acceptance & commitment therapy guide to problem anger' by Georg H. Eifert, Mathew Mckay, John P. Forsyth, forward by Steven C. Hayes, New Harbinger Publications, retail US $14.95. It is very easy to read & simple to understand, I highly recommend this book. I hope I have been of some help to you & your anger issues, good luck!
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Ex Anger Management client, now studying Counselling.